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my mother has called from Germany to inform me
that my father—sunk into depression at sixty-eight—
was admitted to a psychiatric hospital with paranoid thoughts
my mother forbids me to inform my brother
I tell my mother that my brother has to know
he has to find out the truth from his family—not through others
he will feel abandoned and betrayed when he has to wonder
why his own family remained silent
he might believe that the family blames him
and should he accuse himself—he might feel left out and isolated
—yet my mother is adamant that I remain silent my brother and I have become friends since both
of us
live far away from Germany
for the first time I feel close to someone in my family my brother had a serious confrontation with our
father recently
to free himself from his father's destructive control
I know that my brother has to know
I know that he is not responsible for my father's problems
I know that my father has been running away from himself
because he never dealt with his family past or war past
therapy is taboo where I come from I cannot hand over my brother to silence and betrayal
the moment I hang up I call my brother—I tell him the truth
that day and during the following days
we have long conversations
as we try to come to terms with this news
he feels guilty—I try to convince him that he is not--
I am sure that my father's past has caught up with him but I have done what my mother asked me not to
do
I have contradicted her with my action
now I am in trouble
my anxiety has returned—has captured my body and mind
I also feel the responsibility for my brother
he has suffered greatly from my parents' authoritarian practices
my mother once revealed
that she was especially hard with this brother—her oldest son—
so that he would not turn out like her own brother
who was treated as the very special oldest son, too I have acted against my mother's wishes
I have followed my conscience—I am so different from my mother
an abyss exists between us
I am passionate about being honest and open
I am against hiding the truth yet my mother's thinking torments me
should my brother hurt himself--it would be my fault
because I told him the truth—I feel blamed and declared guilty as the familiar anxiety keeps me from sleeping
I call a therapist I have met through friends
at first I say that I need to come
because I want to help my brother
but that does not get me anywhere
finally I manage to utter—I need help—but he
has no time
I fight—let me come when you have a cancellation
I convince him—and my therapeutic journey begins
© Barbara Rogers
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Screams from Childhood
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