The whole drill, the torture against me, was for nothing else than to avoid THEIR old unloved feelings from former times, which my NON-parents never wanted to feel ever again. And I – the baby, the child, the teenager, the adult - should not trigger them in any way! What they did, what they burdened on ME happened FOR NO OTHER REASON! It was not to build a relationship! Not to educate me! It was not for ME - it was only for themselves. At my cost! The price was my life! The price was killing what was my SELF, what was unpredictable, what was spontaneous, what was alive, what was my own. They persecuted it with every means, with torture like it was used in concentration camps, to destroy ME. They never wanted to hear one single syllable that would remind them of their own hell as a child. They killed me to make sure they would never be blamed.
And the rest was acting out, bullying, torturing, abusing and threatening me with death, enjoying sadistically that I made a good face to their cruel game, that I told them the demanded gratitude-formula, so that old emotions, which they had buried, were never triggered, so that they never would have to feel bad.
This is why I felt like a robot, why I felt guilty, why I felt responsible for their life. They burdened GUILT onto me for reminding them of their old feelings. They burdened the RESPONSABILITY onto me for keeping them safe by making sure that I would never remind them of the old feelings. And I, the child, carried this huge burden of terrible fear - COMPLETELY IN VAIN!
I had to kill every and each single OWN emotion or impulse so that (S)HE would never have to feel again, because of ME, their child, like the helpless child (s)he was a long time ago, abused, yelled at, bothered, abandoned, bad. For that she and he USED me, programmed me, at any cost, in order to never reproduce in them these devastating feelings reminding them of their own childhood. They did not do the hard work to liberate themselves from their past! These tyrannic dastards were too gutless to take any responsibility. They rather sacrificed their little girl - ME - stole her life – MY life - stole what was MY OWN, killed MY self-confidence, distorted MY perceptions FOR NOTHING!!!!! In order to not feel bothered, abandoned, reminded!!!!!
It all was REALLY FOR NOTHING!!! They demanded submission to feel elevated!!!! Superior to a weak, helpless child??? How dingy, disgusting, SICK!!! It is nothing but sick!!! Destroying the life of a weaker human being using NAZI-methods! For nothing!!!!! They DEMANDED gratitude!!! How can anyone DEMAND gratitude? All the crimes they committed were perpetrated for no other reason than to feel good about themselves!!!!! To not feel rejected. BUT it did NOT resolve any of their problems – their strategy was in vain!!! and they made me, a baby, a little child, a teenager and also the adult pay the price: my childhood, my life!!!!! For nothing! Because they did not want to have some unwelcome feelings!
It is what I noticed even as a little child, but I lost it in the course of the years. I knew it since the moment I saw her face when I was very young and I asked her one of the forbidden questions: about my grandfather.
And it had, and still has nothing to do with me. It has/had only to do with them!
I AM NOT GUILTY and I never was!
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR FEELINGS and I never was!
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR LIVES and I never was!
A very heavy burden is vanishing.
© Rica Espada, August 2010
it is exciting how you have recognized, unmasked and gotten rid of that horrible, heavy burden, which indeed had NOTHING to do with you. Never ever! You had to carry this gruesome burden and suffer unbearably -- for no other reason than your non-parents' atrocious denial and appalling cowardice.
Oh, yes, it's SO TRUE: You are NOT GUILTY! You are NOT responsible for your non-parents' feelings and you NEVER WERE! You are NOT responsible for their lives -- and you never were! It is so important and crucial that we recognize this truth EMOTIONALLY during our therapeutic journey to connect with our Selves.
It is devastating to realize that the sacrifices demanded of you were "for nothing;" they did not change the denial, repression, hypocrisy and cowardice of your non-parents, and did not set you free -- but robbed you of your truth and independence for many years.
It is a decisive step into freedom and YOUR life that you can voice your truth and share it now. Your Self, your voice, your passion to be on your side, your courage to speak your truth, they shine from your words and are inspiring.
Congratulations and encouragement from