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Concerning Alice Miller’s therapy concept of feeling rage as the only way to heal, please let me tell you that her theory was never enough for me. I cannot speak for other people.
When I first read “The Body Never Lies” and then started reading the Readers’ Mail section looking for answers, I got very anxious and also hopeless because other people felt the rage and were healed (at least, that was what they actually wrote) in a very short time after reading her books, and I felt like a big failure because I started working on my problems about 8 years ago and although I am able to see how destructive my parents were, and I do not protect them, and I can feel the rage -- I still cannot completely heal.
So I asked myself what I did wrong, why I am such a failure in all areas of my life. Then I had thought about writing to Alice Miller asking her for help, but I did not dare to do it because I noticed that when she did not know what to answer, she wrote her “Default Reply” (“You’re still afraid of your parents” or the like) and I knew that this is not true in my case. I am not afraid of my parents at all and it was easy for me to end contact with my father (my mother passed away 10 years ago and I did not go to her funeral). Besides, some of her answers had a total lack of empathy, and I would feel even more hopeless and incompetent if I received such a response from her.
Several times I asked myself if I am wrong, or maybe an idiot, when I think that it not possible to heal in 2-3 years after having been physically and emotionally put down for 39 years in all areas of my life. I am 41 now and many of my parents´ introjects (critical, negative thoughts) still live deep inside my mind today and I am working on them now.
If I understood well and I have not missed something, Alice Miller’s therapy model consists of:
Seeing the truth (seeing our parents as for what they really are, knowing our history, knowing what happened to us during our childhood)
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Feeling the cruelty that was done to us
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Feeling the rage against our parents
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Result = HEALING
First of all, I am neither a psychologist nor a therapist and I have nothing to do with the field of psychology.
In my opinion as a layman, all those steps are necessary for my recovery but they are not the only ones.
I am well aware that I will never ever be like someone who had a healthy family. It would be wrong for me to expect a perfect recovery, but I would like to solve most major issues which prevent me from leading a normal life.
It is very interesting to know that what you call parts are our introjects or internalized parents. I was not completely sure about it and I actually I wanted to ask you. It is fascinating that you are exploring this path.
“…All the more I have learned that therapy, which does not address and help parts (introjects), cannot liberate us…”
How true, Barbara!
Your article “Escape from the Fog of Admiration” is full of insights and it is has become very important to me:
“… Anger that comes up truthfully is of course an important part of therapy; but it is destructive to force body and soul into anger when instead deep pain, grief, sorrow and agony need to be witnessed with compassion by client and therapist, and when parts need to be reached, understood and liberated. If therapists expect rage in moments of primal anguish, they push down a vital pain that needs to be felt. The outrage over what happened will arise when the client is ready and authentically feels it, accompanied by the therapist's indignation and support. …”
“..therapy is not based on pushing a client into feeling something that s/he does not (yet) feel. It is the client who is in charge of her/his therapeutic journey, healing and needs. …”
Your views about how to deal with clients feels very reassuring and comforting. Thank you so much. Clients do not need to feel more anxious or hopeless than before.
Fortunately there are therapists like you, who have developed their own concepts on how to really help people in a supportive, compassionate and effective way, so there is still hope in this world.
In gratitude,
S.R. |
