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written in 2001
I am on the little train going to the harbor of the island
where I used to spend my childhood summers
I am forty-one years old
for a few days I have visited my childhood nanny
who has lived on this island for many years
she came into my life when I was one year old—she left
when I was seven years old—for six years she lived with me my visit is over and I am leaving the island
I stand on a little platform outside of the train compartment
while the train chugs to the harbor it passes by her house
as I look over I realize that Hotto is standing outside of her home
with her husband and son at her side
they are looking for me—waving at me—saying goodbye
I am waving too—I am so glad to see them one more time suddenly—from the bottom of my soul
from an unknown depth of my being
emerges a tremendous scream—makes its way out into the world
surprising and shocking me
"HOTTO"—I scream as loud as I can—"HOTTO" the child with all her love and longing and hidden pain
shows me the essential importance of a life-saving relationship
and its tragic loss for my life remembering my Hotto scream on the train
—this precious moment of communication with my soul—
and writing it down today—another ten years later
my tears return while I write her name—HOTTO
I am still mourning her loss
© Barbara Rogers
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Screams from Childhood
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