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I was visiting Germany the year before my father died
my brother asked me to see him one more time
he felt it was important—so I came
the incest still kept from my consciousness
I was told that my father spent his days in bed
with his eyes closed
without contact with the people around him
in mental darkness
I expected to just witness for awhile a corpse
waiting between life and death to die
but my father opened his eyes and clearly recognized me
while I cried and said over and over again
I am so glad to see you
he responded to me—he clearly knew who I was
I told him I had married an American pilot and he said “wow”
he wanted to see pictures of him
so I ran to my car and got them
he wanted me to play the piano for him—and I did
before I left I asked him to say the special name
only my father had used for me
with his toothless mouth he gave me a big smile
and said—Ritzka
and I asked him—say it again
and he said one more time with this amazing smile—Ritzka
it was my last encounter with my father
© Barbara Rogers
go to: the curse of silence painful layers of silence unbearable silence
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Screams from Childhood
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