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forty-two years old, I have moved back to Chicago by myself
I have left my marriage, both children are in college
for the first time in my life I live by myself
one morning as I perceive awakening in my bed
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I watch my cat playing a cruel game with a bird
catching it—threatening its life
then letting it go—over and over again
then the cat climbs on my bed and turns into a man
who is lying down on me, pressing me down, suffocating me
I am terrified
in this moment I feel that the man is real
and that my life is in danger |
as I lie there, afraid for my life, wondering what to do
a long time passes—until I realize—
I am at home
lying safely in my bed
no one is on top of me—no one is with me
I am alone and safe
as I immediately write down what seemed to me
as if it was truly happening, like a hallucination, a waking dream
I realize that the cat is my mother, the bird is me
the cat turns into my first husband
who became an overpowering presence in my life
which almost suffocated me
I have escaped them both
© Barbara Rogers
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Screams from Childhood |
