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when I am a mother myself
the old scream erupts where it should never have
with the one person I never wanted to hurt—with my own child as I see my older child in danger of hurting the younger one
I turn into a raging monster
and find myself hitting my oldest son who is three years old I abhorred physical violence—and still do
I was determined to be a gentle guide for my children
I wanted to treat them with kindness and respect
I longed to create love but in that moment old denied pain took over
it assumed that my son wanted to do
what the agony of being replaced so many times
had made me desire long ago—to kill my brothers and sisters
instead of resolving the situation with love
I scream at my son—and I beat my son
by attacking him I murder my own buried scream denial and repression stop me from being a benign role model
who gently clarifies and eases the situation
who protects the younger child
who simply points out that something dangerous might happen
who pays supportive attention to the older child
and helps him with understanding guidance to do something else I persecute my child—to silence the dormant scream
long forgotten—I did not even recognize it as my own
when it erupted with violence my son, never beaten before, breaks into inconsolable crying
he is so upset that he gasps for air and has trouble breathing
his face turns purple
deeply sorry, I kneel next to him
but I cannot comfort him or ease his screams for a long time as I am confronted with my son's serious pain
the cruelty of my horrible raging act is revealed to me
deepest regret, shame and sorrow fill me
and I know—a deep trust has been broken
forever
between me and my son
_____________ years later the resurgent scream appears again
as I must face my first husband's adultery
old painful jealousy takes over
and renders me at first incapable of recognizing the truth
about myself and my marriage
for too long I cannot question or confront a husband
whom I blindly considered my harbor as I create a harbor inside
I am able to comfort the old pain
and find the strength to leave a marriage
where the bride had a foreboding she could not decipher
—that with this man she would not find
the emotional, mental and physical closeness she longed for
and that honesty would not be welcome it took a long time to admit to myself
that there was no room in this marriage for change and growth
that my true Self was not welcome
I learned that I could be only as close to someone
as he or she is close to him or her Self with the old jealousy I left my first marriage behind
to set out on my own path into life
© Barbara Rogers
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Screams from Childhood |
