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after the incest memory had resurfaced
a surprising force inside of me could emerge
and become conscious
early in my life this part felt a passionate NO
towards my mother’s violence, temper and strictness
towards any form of cruelty and degradation
towards injustice and terror
after the incest—unbeknown to me—
this passionate NO became a scream of NO
as it threatened other parts of me that craved approval
I had to hide this NO from my Self for many years
but it shaped my life powerfully from the underground
this NO grew stronger and deeper when I learned
about the Holocaust and the crimes of Nazi Germany
this knowledge questioned profoundly everything
that my parents and ancestors lived and believed
—their values, their ways of life, their religion
their national and class consciousness
this NO asked me to leave behind their beliefs
it desired to end the hypocrisy that had conducted their lives
their marriages and families
it demanded to overcome their arrogance
this scream of NO guided my life powerfully
—as a young mother it asked me to treat my children differently
and helped me face the disapproval it entailed
—in my thirties it took me into therapy
empowered me to pursue it
—despite my first husband’s criticism—
gave me the strength to stand up to his objections
face my mother’s hostility, reproachfulness
and incomprehensible lack of understanding
let me survive my family’s painful silence and abandonment
which banished me into exile
this NO enabled me to withdraw from painful relationships
leave my country and background
empowered me to find love where I was not supposed to look
this NO brought out my calling
encouraged me to break silences within and around me
it wants me to help shed light on
how evil and cowardly fear are being produced
for the longest time I had been too afraid
that I would hurt my mother with what I was writing
this NO guided me strongly away from her
and from those who don’t want the truth to live
this NO knew that my life was not given to me
to continue the destructiveness of my background
and to serve parental beliefs—but to serve life
this NO knew that I am not here
to obey and follow parents whose lies and self-deception
ruled a silenced family
but to appreciate and honor my own life, voice and destiny
when at fifty I met and was united with my NO
I became empowered to embrace my self-expression
as the contribution I was meant to make to life
my NO believes in change
my NO fights for justice and humanity for children
my NO encourages me to write and publish this book
© Barbara Rogers
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Screams from Childhood |
